For: The Apocolypse, Paranoia, Trimming your toenails

Prescriber’s Notes: Why merely be prepared when you can be laser pointer, bike chain rivet setter, cigar cutter prepared. Disarming bombs, repairing broken helicopters and seeing to your personal grooming should be a breeze with the (over) 100 tools this “pocket” knife has to offer. Word of caution: buy some extra tweezers and toothpicks. Everyone knows you lose these items, and we’d hate to see your demise occur due to an errant toothpick.

I Prescribe: Transparent Canoe/Kayak

For: Subconscious issues, Deep Seated Fears, Paranoia, The Willies

Prescriber’s Notes: Did you freak out when you saw Jaws the first time? Do your bad dreams involve water. Do you spend all your Kayaking hours wondering what’s swimming under you? Enjoy peace of mind and a great view in your own personal “glass bottomed boat”. Note, if you see a shark, paddle faster.

For: Feelings of Inadequacy, Paranoia, Fear of the apocalypse

Prescriber’s Notes: Sometimes it is the little things that matter. Like food, water, shelter. Me make big fire. You be fine. Of course you could carry a lighter, but where’s the romance in that?

I Prescribe: USB Panic Button

For: Paranoia, Conspiracy Theories, Secrecy

Prescriber’s Notes: Are you the sort who is always looking over your shoulder? Do you fear the guys at the office will never understand your passion for LOLcats? Does that woman from HR walk around with a pitchfork just trying to catch someone on Facebook? Don’t let your panicked window clicking give you away. One hit on the panic button and a boring spreadsheet (or any doc you desire) will pop up on the screen. Bwa ha ha ha.